When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
