Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize