My friends, they love my intelligence
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
