my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
