I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
