Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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