Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm always down for nudity.
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