Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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