So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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