I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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