can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
