here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
