i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
