Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
