break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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