Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
