He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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