u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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