By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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