I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
