It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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