dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
