I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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