my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
