I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
