I have demons in me.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
