I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize