Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
