she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Shame - the story of my life.
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