Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
