I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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