This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
