my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
