i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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