What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
