from now on my penis is your penis
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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