My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
