My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
