Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
