I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
