All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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