Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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