Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
