hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
