So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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