I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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