I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
