Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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