Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
