Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
