i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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