chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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