Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
