Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
