Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
