Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
