I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize