bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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