I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
