I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
