I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
