i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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